Processing Tech Support
A Transcript from 2020
recorded by Jonah Brucker-Cohen

Ring....

Ring...

Answer..

Tech Support: "Hi this is Processing 
tech support, Omaha office,
can I have your social 
security number and your date of 
birth please?"

Jonah: "Umm, wha..... 
Is this necessary?"

TS: "Yes this way we can 
keep track of your bugs 
so you don't have to."

Jonah: "Umm.. Ok.. my 
social security number 
is "XXX-XX-XXX9" and 
my date of birth 
is "XX-XX-19XX".

TS: "Ok before I can help you
I wanted to inform you of
some special offers"

Jonah: "Umm, Ok"

TS: "For all your Xmas needs, we've 
created the Processing Gift Basket
which comes complete with
the latest version of Processing,
a lock of Casey and Ben's hair for
cloning purposes, our 20th anniversary
'greatest hits' album with John Maeda
singing a rendition of "The Day SunOS
Died" by N.R. "Norm" Lunde.
Would you be interested in this?"

Jonah: "No, not today."

TS: "Ok then, how may I help you?"

Jonah: "Well, 
I recently downloaded
version 26.004 and I was
trying to import a
JPEG file..."

TS: (cutting me off)
"What is a JPG?"

Jonah: "It's a image file
format first invented 
in the 1990s.."

TS: "Sorry, we don't support
anything created before the
2017 Incompatible File Format Treaty."

Jonah: "But isn't Processing
supposed to be backward compatible?"

TS: "Not sure what that means."

Jonah: "Umm are you a robot?"

TS: "I am an amalgam of a cerebral scan
of Processing inventors Casey Reas and Ben Fry,
plus a few other Processing gurus who bought
stock in the company back in the teens,
namely Amit Pitaru, Ed Burton, and the artist
formerly known as Golan Levin."

Jonah: "Ok, well forget that question,
can I speak to a human?"

TS: "Processing was automated in version 
18.32203 so that all humans were taken 
out of its development. Too many bugs."

Jonah: "Ok, well back to my question,
can anyone help me?"

TS: "I'm sorry but do you have
a digital question?"

Jonah: "Do you mean a yes or no question?"

TS: "Yes. That will be all. Thank you for 
calling and please
remember that Processing Tech Support
is partially funded by
US Defense Department which is
now recognized as a tax-deductable
charity. Take Care"

Hang Up...

Jonah: "Um..."